Better than this.

Sometimes I can't help but think that I'm meant for something greater than this. This place. This (temp) job. This apartment. This neighborhood. These flaky friends.

I'm temping this week. I'm covering an assistant's desk until they fill the position.  It's been about a month, and I've mentally checked out awhile ago.  I feel depressed.  And, at the moment, bloated and fat. Obese, even.

People's true colors do show - certain execs will treat you differently, or as if you're invisible, depending on who they believe you are and the power you have.  This one dick, whose office I actually temped in before, had the nerve to never acknowledge me in the office - in hallways, as he was passing by, or talking to the other exec whose office I was currently supporting.

People's true colors show.

Do I think I'm better than this job?

Yes.

Do I think I'm better than this studio loft apartment in North Hollywood?

Yes.

Do I deserve better than the selfish, flaky, habitually late and disrespectful, boring, self-absorbed-drones that some might call my friends?

Yes.

I've realized that I don't really want to hang out with anybody.  I don't like the friends that I have.  I'm so sick of them. So sick of people complaining all the time, talking about themselves all the time. No one listens. No one listens to what I have to say, or even asks how I'm doing, but will go on and on about themselves when I inquire about them.

People are selfish fucks.  But who am I to say that, because everyone's selfish, myself included? I've just gotten sick of it.

Maybe it's because I'm turning 30 next year, and something happened in my 20s.  I don't want to play the game anymore; I don't feel like keeping up these worthless surface friendships for appearances's sake; I don't want to waste precious time with disingenuous people.

I've been hitting the trails and running four times a week and watching what I eat. Do I deserve better results than the body I currently have?

Fuck, yeah.

Am I better than those selfish fucks around me that I am sick of hearing wax eternally on with nothing to say?

Yeah.

Today, I say, fuck it.

Fuck patience.

Fuck humility.

Fuck the long and tireless road of working hard, hoping someone will notice.