Go! In the direction of your dreams.

That is all.

Why do we forget this stuff so quickly?

Plotting my escape.

Got 1 job rejection email yesterday.

Checked my gmail a million times today. Must've been every 5 minutes. Not that it was necessary.

I don't get THAT many emails.

I unsubscribed from a few mailing lists today.

Woke up a little late, started my writing hour and read through and edited my script this morning. Didn't adhere strictly. Discipline is no easy street.

Went to lunch. Took pictures for the website and future marketing purposes. Went home, watched Once Upon A Time on Hulu. More emails.

Scoured apartment postings.

Depressing. Rent has gone up since I've left LA.

Can't wait to get out of the house. For my own sanity. And health. And happiness.

Will be praying for this to go with me relatively unscathed.

Yikes.

Hello. I guess I'm up again.

The strange thing about knowing my next step and the events that will transpire in the next few months due to the decisions that I've made about my life is that - I'm strangely in no rush. There is no resounding fervency, heated passion, blind naivete, youthful abandon-and-stuff, electric excitement of discovering something new and unknown for the first time.

There is a known destination, a few more recognized goals, as well as some vague outlines of paths on how to achieve them.

There is a bit more caution. A bit more fear. More pressure. More at stake. More stress, and, undoubtedly, more baggage.

There are losses that are already well known and understood, experienced.

I first moved to Los Angeles seven years ago - back in 2005, a fresh college grad. I still have a pair of jeans from that year that no longer fit me.

There was always something about LA that sat a little bit in discomfiture - a disquietude - something about the raging disparity between the socioeconomic classes so closely living together in the same metropolitan area; how so many struggle when their neighbors rest easy. It's a disconcerting thing.

And there was always something depressing about the city - the dirtiness of the real LA, the streets that you don't see in movies; the traffic, the money wasted on parking and traffic tickets.

But, then again, it is the city where dreams are pursued and stars born. It is a place where passion burns hot and creative hopefuls so heartily and sincerely pursue their dreams and their loves.

So, for me, it is where I am going to get back to pursuing my dream. Because, in the end, that's what I really want for myself this year. I want to get focused on my career, get established, get writing. Get back to the task at hand.

I have to stop worrying so much about what people will think. Or if I feel embarrassed or not.

Life is short. If your heart's not really in it, what's the point?

So I realized that my heart wasn't really into disappearing abroad this year. And being out of my comfort zone all the time, every day, in a foreign country. And it isn't into sticking around the suburbs until the semi-okay job that I could withstand doing for awhile rolls around. I kept thinking about LA. Dreaming about the things I wanted.

But when is it right to follow that? How do you know it's not just something passing? People want to take vacations all the time, they talk about it - doesn't mean that they would fit in. Doesn't mean that it would be economically feasible or personally responsible - just because you want something doesn't mean you should do it.

So how do you know if it's something you want, you truly want for yourself, for your life, for your career, and not just some passing fad that you only want on some mildly entertaining level?

Damn. No wonder I feel like I've been drifting from career possibility to possibility for the past 8 months.

I guess you don't really know - who really knows anything for sure? You just gotta take a risk sometimes. The things in life that are worth having usually involve some sort of risk.

I left LA and moved to Prague because I didn't feel like moving and finding another apartment. When I left, I didn't see myself as ever coming back.

And then this trip to my friend's wedding in LA happened, and the realization of the many things I really missed, enjoyed, loved about LA.

And that open mic night happened at the Improv. And I performed stand-up comedy.

And I wanted to get up and do it again. And try my hand at stand-up. In LA. And I just didn't see that happening if I jetted off again. And thus delay it for a year.

I guess I hope I'm not going to LA just because I don't feel a strong enough pull from anywhere else. Because I don't - have a strong enough leaning toward anywhere else - I even tried. So, I guess, I checked around to see where else would have me, and it didn't seem like there were any other claims. Perhaps that is where I am meant to be - LA.

And, I don't want to put too much stress on the open mic night as a strong pull. It's a pull - but not one of the 3,000-mile-move-inducing ilk.

But I suppose it's another thing being out of my comfort zone, in another way, by pursuing my dreams of becoming a (working) writer in LA. Of being in a position where I could make mistakes. I guess I have to at least try. Even though, seven years later, I probably have more fears than I did before.

I remember how I was back in 2005.

So...fearless.

The past seven years I've seen and heard about all the success stories, but I've also heard about the starving artists. The still struggling young professionals. I've learned more of what mistakes there are that could be made, the ones that I could make.

Perhaps God is giving me an opportunity to be fearless.

Wow. I'd forgotten about that. If God is with us, who can be against us?

I probably have gotten more fears of failure over the years. Man.

And if you don't give up, you'll never fail. Right?

But, I guess I may not have such strong, impassioned, juvenile pulls in life directions that I once did. Sometimes things may subtly suggest. Perhaps I'm supposed to know myself well enough by now to detect those things?

The problem of not knowing what you want is that you can't make any decisions in life because of it.

But, people always seem to end up doing exactly what they're supposed to do, in the cities they're supposed to be in.

I wonder, if I wasn't a writer, I wouldn't be such a neurotic fish about examining what I want and the reasons why I want them. And questioning everything, analyzing, pondering, prodding. What I found slightly unsettling was that I didn't go through all the thinking and planning of how I would orchestrate my move back to LA - I just kind of floated around to that decision. And I'm used to planning. Organizing. But this didn't happen. I just kind of went there.

So, basically, all these thoughts are a vast minutiae of what my usual or expected amount of research and contemplation would've been before reaching such a monumental decision.

Maybe if I was a man I wouldn't be thinking so much, so naturally, instinctively. I'd probably just be thinking about sex. And women.

I guess I don't want to go into it impulsively. I don't want to make such a major decision based on emotions alone, and figuring and recognizing that is an animal of its own.

But the rejection of the job offer wasn't that difficult to send over. The decision to head back to LA didn't hit me with a resounding gong like the undeniable passion I had when I first moved there. There was no defining moment, no dramatic sign, nothing. It was just a thought. And it just sort of floated over me. Yes, I'll move back to LA. Yes, I want to establish myself in my career. Yes, I want to do this. I guess strong emotions would've made decision-making easier; but life doesn't always point you with blatant instructions.

I feel like I've been waiting my turn at a game of bowling or Scrabble. Everyone else has been playing their frames, picking up and placing letters down, forming their next few moves. This whole time I've been watching everyone else play - only, I'm not restless for my turn because I haven't known what the heck my move would be. It's weird to not know what your next play will be. It means that you are at a standstill, you can't move forward or backward with no plan, no strategy - you can only sit and wait until you know what your next move will be.

I guess all the players have made their moves, and finally, I've come to a decision and I'm up again.

Time to make a move.

New Things. And, Finally, Some Decisions Made!

Received 1 job email rejection yesterday.

In the past two and a half weeks, I accepted one job offer for a teaching gig in Korea.

I also had one meeting-slash-interview at a real estate office while in Los Angeles.

I had a request for one interview for a job in the suburbs of Philadelphia, for an hourly gig, which is basically just to hold me over for a bit and get me out of the house some.

I just turned down the offer for the job in Korea tonight.

I learned on this past trip, to my friend's wedding, which I used as an excuse for a vacation and made into 2 1/2 weeks of bouncing around Napa Valley and then catching up with old friends in LA (I even stayed at 3 different friend's places in 2 weeks in LA), a couple of things.

One: I learned that I love a lot of things about LA. I have a heart for LA. I really see myself as living back there in the future, which I hadn't done before - I thought I was done with the SoCal chapter of my life.

Two: I learned that I want to pursue stand-up comedy. Not sure how serious I am about this. Just that I can't wait to get up at open mic night again. Yikes. Hope I have the guts to do it again.

Three: I am much more fragile than previously presumed. Not sure why I have this notion that I'm somewhat invincible.

These are the physical illnesses I experienced during my 2-and-a-half week trip:

1. Caught a cold

2. Got severe motion sickness from the long car ride (11 hours), was so nauseated!

3. Got hunger pains (which my body was reeling from for nearly a week with weakness & low appetite)

4. Was exposed to bedbugs (gross! hope that never happens again!), and

5. Had an allergic reaction and busted out in terrible hives (quite gruesome, am still on meds from when I returned on Sunday and had to head to the hospital). I hope that never happens EVER AGAIN. Had never happened to me before. Am partially convinced that I'm allergic to guinea pigs, on account of a friend's roommate's pet guinea pig I was exposed to (the only thing I could think of that was something new I had encountered).

I have never experienced so many extreme illnesses (and new ones, at that) in such a short period of time.

And tonight, I realized, with defining clarity, that I want to move back to LA.

Yikes.

But, then again - boo-yah! Half the battle has been won - getting to the part where I had to figure that out.

I don't want to put off another year from my dream, my career, of becoming an established writer, of writing screenplays, of working in the entertainment industry. I could live in Korea for a year and teach, but it's another year of schlepping myself off to another foreign country, of being outside of my comfort zone constantly, and getting homesick and toughing it out - and - I'm 28 years old. I want to get established in my career. Pursue my dreams. Fall in love.

On a completely unrelated note, I ordered Proactiv online today. Yesterday I had seen a slew of those infomercials on TV. The wash my dermatologist gave me isn't doing squat. Going for that much-discussed/marketed stuff. Goodbye, adult/stress acne - your days are numbered.

Weekend Round-Up.

January 5th: Applied for 1 job. Had 1 phone interview.

January 6th: Received 1 job rejection email. Had 1 job interview with a commercial real estate broker in Los Angeles. Received 1 job offer from phone interview the evening prior.

The job offer is for a teaching job abroad, at a public school - so, there are decent working hours and pretty sweet benefits. So - yes! Amazing! Great! A job offer!

But if I accept it, that means I will be moving to Korea next month. So...

Yikes!

The funny thing is, I may actually take it. Am thinking that I'd like to work abroad, save up some moolah for a year, then move back to LA.

Total job offers: 1.

Thursday.

Starting to feel more like a normal, healthy human being again.

Got up and did a TJ's run. To my old neighborhood Trader Joe's in Toluca Lake. Bought some yogurt and fruit. Had a salad later for lunch. Then a horchata to drink at Porto's. Then picked up some teacakes at Martino's (my first!) - delicious. Saved the other two for some friends.

Made plans for dinner at Islands for some fine burgers and drinks.

Feeling more like a normal person.

Albeit, a bloated one. And also, really tired by the afternoon.

Got an email from my agency and have another job interview set up for this evening as a phone call for a potentially fairly sweet gig teaching abroad.

Set up a meet-and-greet/job-interview-ish type meeting for tomorrow in LA.

Applied to 1 job online in the industry.

Total interviews today: 1.

Total job applications: 1.

I now love Martino's bakery. They have free wifi and everything - and it is not packed with people. AND the teacakes don't cost the same as a gallon of gas. Take that, cupcake snobs!

Sick lady.

I feel slightly lightheaded. A faint, dull headache. A heaviness around my head. When I close my eyes, there is a soothing feel to it. My legs were cold so I curled up in a blanket. Laundry time has finally arrived and I'm wearing my cropped running pants.

I've been feeling sick ever since the disastrously long car ride from Napa to LA. 8:30 a.m. - we hop into the car after picking up some breakfast. I had a multi-grain bagel and some cream cheese and jam. Should've grabbed a bottle of water for the road. We make a convoluted and hilly way to a stop at the San Andreas Fault line a few hours later. I am fighting the beginnings of carsickness. Back on the road. I take a nap. We make a quick stop around 2:00 pm. to pick up some sandwiches and fill up the tank. I buy some water and ginger ale at the gas station. I switch seats with our other friend and sit shotgun instead of the backseat. I can't finish my roast beef Subway sandwich or my bag of chips. I try to go back to sleep.

Discomfort at sitting in a limited-movement position ensues. Achiness of the back. But the worst is my building nausea, a knot growing in the pit of my stomach and sharp needles of a headache scraping along my temples. I drink some water, maybe it's dehydration. Not a great combo, coupled with motion sickness.

Had to hit the restroom again so had my friend stop the car at a gas station about 5:30 p.m. Fully nauseated by then. Tried to munch on a few more chips, thought eating at least a little something might help.

Dropped off other friend around 6:45 p.m. Stunned when my friend (driving) decided to stop by the market (which, thankfully, was closed), after all of her anxiousness at getting home (and off the road), and then fill up her tank again (basically a few minutes from her house). Was even more stunned/pissed/annoyed/hurt that she decided to take the FUCKING CANYON ROADS from West LA to Studio City when she knew that I was feeling so sick. My. God. Cannot believe a human being, let alone a close, personal friend, could be so insensitive. Thought I was going to throw up in the car the entire way. An awful end to our trip to Napa.

And I even started the trip fighting a cold, which got worse, and then better. But all I can remember is the trauma of the ride + the ensuing hunger pains.

Began getting hunger pains that night - if you've ever gotten them, you know how agonizing they are. Twisted knots of gut-wrenching pain, makes you double-over and wince. You feel nauseous yet you feel your insides starving at the same time. I was getting chills and felt cold throughout the next 24 to 48 hours. Chills and headaches.

The next morning (Monday), I struggled to rise out of bed. Knots of pain flashes in my gut. Almost like menstrual cramps, except, excruciating. Scrounged around in my friend's apartment. Managed to hold down some rice cakes - the only thing I could find that would be plain enough for my stomach to handle. Went okay. Started to feel a bit better.

Made plans with another friend and hung out with her for most of the day. Started off with lunch. I bought some water and ginger ale for the day. Feeling super weak - moved like an old lady all day. Had searing bouts of pain in my stomach from time to time, but was good to be outside and get some air. Ended up watching a movie last night. Had some waves of nausea in the theater, but was able to push through it. Munched on some crackers for dinner. Was tempted to buy fries at the food court so my stomach would have some solid food, but didn't.

Woke up this morning with no flashes of agonizing, stabbing pain in my stomach. Still weak, tired, and slightly exhausted, though. No major waves of nausea. Slight headache.

Concluded that I, as an older woman, can no longer endure long car rides. Watch out, Future Husband. Road trips are not in our vacationing future.